March 17, 2011

Two Women Walking Arm in Arm

Two women walking arm in arm
See Them....
linked arms, matching stride for stride,
measured and sure,
matching casual conversation,
think two Eastern European, French, Italian
African or Latin American
women totally at ease,
totally comfortable
taking public space and time.
Two friends, sisters, lovers,
relative of one sort or another
sharing words which matter, hold attention, have rich context
and meaning.

Two women walking arm in arm
connecting limbs, hearts, minds, ideas, spirits.
See the transfer of the bond passed easily
back and forth, consciously subconscious and appreciated.

Lovely to gaze upon, these two women
easy with each other, walking in step,
talking, sharing, the casual rhythms of the day
the whispered intimacies that each must hear
the Wonder of the flowers, shrubs, trees, sky,
buildings, others which surround
which create the context of their walk,
the flavor and tenor of that which
surrounds the sound of each voice, each dual step.

See the two women happy for their contact and connection.
Rejoice.

March 08, 2011

Positive Emotional Shifts

I have always been acutely aware of my emotional state. I feel the shifts which occur, the ups downs extreme joys, the painful painful grief and depression.
I have learned that for me, it is best to listen, to own, to acknowledge what I'm feeling which makes it so very much easier to keep listening to what's going on inside.
It is not a burden to listen and to hear, to take in deeply the changes going on.

So it was with immense joy of recognition of knowing today that a perceptible shift had occurred.

A buoyancy, a lightness, a warm joy filled my being today. As warm as playing doll house with your favorite niece. And warmer still.

I kept checking in all day to see if it was still there, and in doing so, I'd feel it again and it would tickle me sweetly.

I briefly wanted to give it a reason.
I searched for any obvious changes, the shifting new spring light, my being asked to do some future speaking and work for pay opportunities, having just completed my taxes, playing my saxophone more....oh there must be SOMETHING external to account for the warm tickle, warm glow seeping through my pores. But no, it was something else.

I have concluded that it is all and nothing of these externals. And the nothing part is a something internal piece.

An internal, deeply internal, deeply felt realization that weekly now, for the past 5 plus months, I am experiencing a deep bliss, a deep joy even ectascy when I attend Shabbat services on Saturday mornings.
It is a familiar yet so much deeper feeling from that which I habitually felt when I would attend weekly Surat Shabd Satsangs in Cambridge or Brookline. Then I was in my late 20's, early 30's, working too many hours, as well as getting a Masters degree, and of course consumed with an emotional and love life filled with mostly turmoil.
Singing Bhajans with love and devotion with a room full of people sitting cross legged, knowing we were sisters and brothers united by our love for our Guru, for our meditation. I went weekly to soak up this loving energy.

I slept a good deal at those Satsangs.
But when I wasn't sleeping, I was overcome with an immense gratitude and love for the world and this aspect of my life.

Now at Saturday Shabbat services, I don't sleep.
It is almost two hours of a surge of joy, bliss, feeling the presence of G-d, being absorbed in love.
Being personally, deeply internally absorbed, tears streaming down my face almost constantly as I read and pray and chant along with...
with a room full of people who are my famiy. Who I like being around, who I am falling in love with. People who talk to me and listen. People who are real. I may be the only one with streaks of salt water making my face glisten, but I hear love sung and voiced. I listen to these strange yet so deeply familiar words and watch my progress of seeing and understanding what comes next in the service.
I love the words and melodies and ritual and hearing and discussing a written piece of Torah. I am appreciating the significance of the Torah. I am loving being taken back to a time and place that is part of a past that is mine. I love thinking about the past, how we lived, what we loved.
I love coming to comprehend that Creation is the Gift which is celebrated;
celebrate the Creation with a day of reflecting on how wonderful it is.

I am feeling blown away by what happens to me to my body to my soul when I sit, stand, bend my knees and bow, again sit on Saturday mornings. I'm watching this happen to me. I'm experiencing it. I'm totally loving it.

Wow.

No kidding.

So, soon after this Saturday's service, driving home, feeling wonderful, I said to myself: hmmmmm, I get to experiience such a tremendous lift, loft of gratitude and love each week, hmmmmm that's truly marvelous. Hmmmmm, even if I expericnce my lonliness, my depression, my pining after my new love, my feeling about the loss of one or all of the four wonderful women from my life in five years (my sister, my wife, two extremely dear friends), hmmmmmm, even if I have hours of negativity....

Hell, being able to experience what I feel weekly, in services, is so amazing, so truly thrilling, that I need to focus on this; I need to understand that yes, there are lots of losses and pain that I feel...

But I feel a true shift in how I'm perceiving the state of my life. I am focusing more and more on the dozens of ways I am able to feel the presence of The Divine, of The Creator.
Of course at Shabbat service, but also often in my day.
By feeling The Creator, I feel and honor The Creation and
My life as part and parcel of This Creation.

My life being no more no less than a piece of the Whole.
Feeling Whole at Temple reminds me to feel it daily.
I had forgotten.

March 05, 2011

Reflections of Creation

My backyard is home to several citrus trees,
one of which is a tangerine;
Dancy or Fairchild variety
most likely,
but like the pound doggie I've just adopted
it can't tell me its origins.

The fruit is exquisitely ripe just now.

I have just picked two of these
beautiful orange orbs
sundrenched, warm to the touch
warm to the tongue
easy to peel
perfect slices of sweetness

perfect reflections of the perfection
of Creation.

March 03, 2011

Details of Living

You ask how I am
I say
"Good. I'm good."
Hear that you're not.
Not 100% physically.
I hear it in your voice
but you brave on
and ask me details confirming details
about friends of mine you barely know
whose existence and details
you've committed to memory.
Questions which keep you from talking
about you.

I don't tell you how I really am.

I don't tell you that I struggle daily
with my demons.
Those pieces of me that only want an end,
a way out, a resolution of the deep
loneliness
I feel.

Those demons that would just as soon have me
dead
onto the NEXT
the truly unknown.
The pieces which believe
nothing is new here
so why not just move on.

I give them traffic, a respectful due,
acknowledgement.
I listen and sometimes succumb to the deep emotion
they elicit.
Crying. Praying. Appreciating G-d
and finally reminding myself to
Trust.
Fully Trust that peace will pervade my life.

And suddenly they're gone. Negativity is played out.
The duties of the day creep in.
I busy myself with some detail
and I see really see
appreciate the beauty of the day.
Tending to the details of living.