The Elixir of Hope

I am in the process of withdrawal
from the elixir of hope
which daily I tasted this past year
with greedy lips accepting anticipation.

You fashioned and threw the cup
on my wheel of life,
you created the vessel.
I boldly filled it
with the brew of dreams, desire
and regular disappointments...
this heady mix of emotions
which daily flamed my blood
entered my mind
caused me intoxication
created the cascade of sweetness
joy longing hope love.

Today upon the fifth anniversary of discovering
death in bed at home
already discolored already cold already
not there not alive not in my life.
The discovery of my wife my loved one my life
no longer being.
Today I longed for death.

Today I contemplated the possible ways
to end the pain
of withdrawal from hope
to end the pain
of loneliness
to end the pain of losing the taste for life
of losing the intoxication of hope.
I howled in pain, I sobbed for hours.

The bubble of the frothy tonic burst
the constellation of sorrows poured
hopelessness.
Understanding the insanity of the world
knowing that children still die from
unclean water carried on heads gathered hours away
feeling the pain of the millions of Jews
who have suffered eternally
feeling the loss of my sister whose sweetness
allowed me to creep into her heart
knowing the frailty of all life
the heartache of coming face to face
with who I am who I am not.

All this and of course more so much more that
words can never touch
came crashing down on
my soul reeling from withdrawal.

Today I called Ben and he listened. He heard.
Today I did not succumb.
Today I lack the grace of gratitude which should
accompany the embrace of life.
Today my hold is tenuous.

Lizi, Lizi, Lizi

Dear Lizi,
I have lied to you. I have lied to myself. It doesn't truly get better.
The hole is still there.
It may shrink some,it may develop a thin film, a thin veneer of sweetness,
even joy, but the hole remains.
All I wish to do now is dive into the hole and never surface.
Five years and it is as fresh as painful as day one.
In fact more so because the shock, that protective sheath of disbelief
is gone.
Forgive me.

My Sweet Adonai

My Dearest Adonai,

I don't possess Hebrew.
I don't have the words to the prayers.
I don't have the times to bend my knees
and the pattern of Shabbos service.
I don't know all the Prophets, Psalms,
books of Torah,
I don't know Talmud, Midrash, the myraid Rabbis,
I don't know the calendar, all the festivals, holy days,

I don't know much about You and Your People,
All People,
I don't know so very very much.

I do know that I love you with all of my heart and soul.

And I am eternally Grateful that You have created me.