I already love 2012

I already love 2012. It is already filled with newness, aliveness, new beauty and possibilities. A new woman has entered my life who I have begun to learn from.

She is teaching me.

And I've had very little contact with her really. But she has occupied my brain
with questions, thoughts, wonder.

2012 and I already like her. I like how she looks and sounds and feels, already.

I also wish to memorialize today (still another reason I already love 2012)
by noting that it was tonight, January 7th, that I "got it" that I have what I
was meant to have in relationship to another. The other who occupied my brain body heart and soul for two years. It became crystal clear that I have learned, I have related to, we have had give and take, we have had give and take, and she has said good-bye, and so have I.

2012 has already, in its short infancy, provided me with incredible jaw dropping amazement. Thank you 2012. Thank you Adonai for allowing me the gift of discernment, new opportunity, new possibility of lessons and love.

A Time of Richness

I have bathed in the thoughtful words of my old friend Janice these past few days. I have felt the luxury of spending whole days with someone totally trusted, totally non-judgmental, totally comfortable with me, her, us. Sharing precious time together; precious because it is not often spent.

Today I also spent precious time with a new friend Andy. The process of shared discovery in telling who we are.

I said:
I don't do superficial.
I like to go deep.
Into the very heart and soul of a matter,
into feeling, into movement, into moment.

She said:
Yes, I know.

I didn't ask her how she knows; I trust she can see.

As I play back this morning's exchange, I can't help but note,
in awe and wonder:
That delving into the contemplation of G-d, the Divine,
is the deepest I can go.

Once there, heart fully open,
there comes a joy and aliveness
that knows no bounds.

A burst of sparks and flame which allows
body, mind, heart, soul to be part of the One.

The richness of human communication; a path to the Divine.

Psalm 69

Sitting, listening to my Rabbi, Gershon Winkler, I often get chills down my spine, then tears in my eyes, as the Truth of what he is saying washes over my soul. I am captivated by his ability to delve deeply into the Mystery of this Dear World. Such mystery and depth feeds me.

Gershon translated a section of Psalm 69:14 and I submit his translation below. I confess that I had to read it 20 times before I truly "got it." And when I did, it
reverberated through my body as a shock of sheer delight and joy. I now read it daily to regenerate my store of Hope and Faith.

Psalm 69:14 - Translated by Rabbi Gershon Winkler:
And I,
My prayer is directed to you
Infinite Mover of the Universe
When the moment coincides with the Will
Elo'heem
In your magnanimous benevolence
Respond to me
In truth
With your support.

A Woman as Beautiful

I was recently told
by another woman
that she finds me beautiful.

I believe telling another woman
that she is beautiful
should never be said lightly,
without total conviction.

And should always be received,
with total conviction.

For the beauty that one sees in another
is only their reflection of G-d.

11/11/11

I am so very happy to have the opportunity
in my lifetime
to be able to write
11//11/11
as the date.

Notice, Not Judge

We can notice
things, people, ourselves
but not judge.

When you notice
and not judge,
not even have to judge...

When you notice
others, strangers,
especially strangers
who we are to love as ourselves

When you notice
and not judge
yourself
You begin the spiral towards happiness.

Let Go! Go Forth!

I've spoken deeply with four women who have recently, within the past two years, lost partners. Three to death. One to relationship loss. Each tells me that their deepest yearning, their deepest loss is Being Known. They miss the fact of another human knowing them intimately. They miss this the most, long for this the most. They want to be KNOWN intimately, deeply by another human being. When married/partnered, each had this sense of Being Known. This lack is the soul and heart longing which causes them the most grief.

I too want dearly to Be Known. Known by someone who is a soul-heart-mind-body partner, help-mate, equal-mate, life-mate to me. Having someone to hear and share in the process of life.
The Hebrews' have a concept of "A Neighbor in Heaven." A heavenly neighbor who is a friend and deeply trusted; a heavenly partner whose spiritual qualities are equal to one's own. I am seeking my soul's Heavenly Neighbor/Partner right here, on earth.

I wrote the above during the end of another magnificent summer of solo, plus two dogs, travel. Nearly 4,000 miles of seeing this country's most magnificent roads and scenery. At one destination, I attended a Jewish Women's Retreat in northern California; this is where I engaged in deep conversation with the four women above.

All of the women at this retreat were tasked with the command: Yetsi'at Mitzrayim! the command to Go Forth! Go forth from where you presently are. Go forth from your place of narrowness; from your place of "being stuck." Your very own Exodus from that internal place of narrow enslavement. As God commanded Abraham: "Lekh Lekhah!" Go! Leave! Leave your familiar surroundings and seek your path.
As Life asks of us, sometimes too often in our lives, Go Forth into a new existence. Build a new life and come out on top! Go Forth and begin anew.

At this Jewish Women's Retreat, we were asked to discover that thing, that place of narrowness/constriction which keeps us stuck, keeps us trapped; and to begin the leaving process.
What are we leaving behind?
What do we take?
How do we prepare?
What do we wish our future to look like?

I chose to leave my 'heart sickness' behind. Or rather, I chose to CONTINUE the process of leaving heart sickness. I chose to continue to move into new possibilities, embracing Life.

We Jews have just concluded our New Year/Repentance/Forgiveness Holy Days of Awe. We now enter our Days of Gratitude, of Rejoicing, of Joy. On the Saturday of the Yom Kippur service my Rabbi asked of our group: "What do you wish to let go of?" AND "What do you wish to let in?"

So twice now, within the past three months I have been asked to Go Forth! Leave the Old! Begin Anew! Know what I wish to let go of.
In August it was heart sickness.
At Yom Kippur I chose to release the ENTIRE BAG of GRIEF which I have carried around for far too long. My sister's death, Margaret's death, love unrequited; even the grief of family lost in the Holocaust. I am now ready to shrug it off my back, off my being. Throw it AWAY. I prayed mightily that this be so.

Now, days later, it certainly feels that I have tossed grief aside. Will it last, this feeling, this freedom, this ability to just feel the love and joy of This Dear World, without the grief. I don't know. But I BELIEVE it will last. I know I must stay conscious of the process, of the INTENTION to let the grief go. I want to shoo shoo shoo it away.

Thus....I can truly no longer say that I am longing to be known.

I'm happy knowing myself. Knowing that I can shift my emotions; that I can stay open to Life and its possibilities.